I was a big Alanis fan in her prime, even though I was nine and I had no clue what she was yelling about. Looking back now though, I have an issue.
Who the hell has ever had 10,000 spoons when all they needed was a knife? Not me.*
But you know what I have had? 90 cents** when I wanted both a bag of Cheetos and a Diet Coke.
That’s real life.
Overall, I like the vending machine in my break room. It lets you insert your bill in any direction, providing entertainment on every trip. Which way should I turn it? And oh-my-god-how-great-is-it-that- the- vending-machine-directions-can-be-read-as-a-sexual-innuendo?
Today though, this three-second burst of entertainment was followed by a tough choice.
Chips or drink. Chips or drink. OR cookies? Cookies or drink. Cookies or drink. Wait. THEY ADDED SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS.
Yes, this was a risky move and I admit, I would not have taken the B3 risk without a reserve pack of gum – which leads me to my next point:
Frito Lay’s Marketing Dept. owes me a shit ton of money.
And this is why.
My New Frito Lay Product Marketing Recommendation: Include a stick of gum with high risk vending machine purchases. This will allow you to up the price of each bag of chips by at least 25 cents, thereby increasing your already ungodly profit margin (umm, hello, half the bag is AIR).
* Actually, the office I worked in during my grad school stint did. I was asked to order plastic utensils and rather than correctly selecting the forks-knives-spoons 1,000 piece set, I accidentally clicked on the box of 1,000 spoons. I bet that’s seriously as close as anyone has ever come to meeting Ms. Morissette’s irony demands.
**If my coworker reads this I’m going to get so much shit. We usually have popcorn for our Marketing meetings and his secret stash ran out. I mentioned the lack of popcorn and then went and purchased chips, not popcorn, to which he remarked, “You know you could have gotten popcorn for all of us instead of chips for just you.” Not ready to be labeled as a selfish asshole, I lied and defensively remarked that I only had 50 cents.
