“Tell Me Any Symptom, and I’ll Tell You How You Have AIDS. Or Cancer” – WebMD

by Jenny McCoy on May 9, 2009

Ever seen “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” ?

Trying to self-diagnose using the Internet is kin to the father’s ability to create a tangent between any English word and the Greek language.

Example:

On Monday, my throat hurt. But only when I talked. So, like any ex-athlete, I ignored a potential bigger health issue and focused on the short term.

I had already arranged to take Thursday and Friday off for relaxation days. So calling in sick due to a sore throat that really only hurt when aggravated by verbal communication was not really an option.

On Thursday morning, I woke up, tested the voice. Realizing my throat would now only allow 4-5 painless words at a time, I decided to check it out on the Internet.

I typed in “pain on left side of throat only.” Results: I have AIDS or throat cancer.

Next, I thought, well maybe it’s just a swollen lymph node.

I typed in “swollen lymph node on left side of throat.” Results: I have AIDs or Hodgkin’s.

So after a few more results, I decided I better not risk my overall health any longer and headed to the doctors office.

No AIDS. No throat cancer.

Pharyngitis. No longer contagious. Just needed an antibiotic in case it was bacterial, or a few more days for the viral infection to go away.

I thought it would be funny to joke with the doctor about my online diagnosis. She didn’t laugh. So I thought I’d try it on the Internet.

I partly wonder if this is some conspiracy by doctors worldwide. Making it so that any symptom you type in somehow leads to cancer or AIDS and thus sending you running into their office with your insurance and debit card, hoping for some vote of confidence in your longevity.

Or maybe it’s just an example of how the wonderful Internet still has shortcomings. Or of how medical degrees have value and we should only use the Internet to learn more once diagnosed or to compare second opinions?

Beware at-home, Internet, self-diagnosers. In addition to whatever (probably minor) ailment you have, you may be heading for a big case of hypochondria because if you tell the Internet any symptom, you’re likely only 2-3 steps away from one terminal disease or another.